One of my cello teachers, many years ago, used to make me watch videos of Jacqueline du Pre performing and the memory still holds. Part mad-woman, part magician she could hold me entranced for hours. It wasn't just the music or the way she played it, it was the passion she had for it, the way you could tell that when she was on stage everything but her cello disapeared. Sadly, she died very young of MS, but even as she knew her life was ending, the hardest part for her was losing her ability to play.

Once I am settled, I want to pick up the cello again. I haven't played in over ten years, but I used to be good.

One of my New Year's resolutions (or wishes) is to escape to Salema, Portugal for a few months. It just looks heavenly and peaceful. Idealy I'd like to make it out there in April or May and stay of for about six months. Nothing but me, a backpack and a typewriter. No books, no email, no phone. Just good old fashioned letters and postcards back to my loved ones. Then, after six months, I'd like to travel north to Porto and walk to Santiago de Compostela to complete the pilgrimage I have been wanting to make for years.

NO OTHER KIND OF LIGHT

Find that flame, that existence,
That wonderful Man
Who can burn beneath the water.
No other kind of light
will cook the food you
Need

~Hafiz

How much have I missed under the pretext that I am shy? I have come a very long way over the years to where I am today, yet still I periodically find myself paralyzed by fear. Theoretically, privately, I know there is nothing to be afraid of - that I am stronger.

I think next time I am standing silent, waiting for the moment to be over, I will push myself to speak. Run the risk of ridicule if I must, but by all means - end this stupidity of silence.

“Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when the person looks back-she will hear her heart”

“You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.” ~ Paolo Coelho

PC is the champion inspirer for this point in my life. I am going to stay here, because moving to the West is the easiest thing to do but my heart is not in it. I am going to stay here because this way every decision I make will be my own. Because it scares me - because it makes my heart leap out of it's place. Because it is the only way I can start walking alone, head high, strong.

Enough with the restraint - I need to let loose if I ever want to reach my heaven.